Light up

 4 am. Probably sometimes in July. We lost track of the days. Months. We were in Siem Reap, Cambodia. After spending two months travelling South East Asia, we wound up here at 4am waking up to see the sunrise at Angkor Wat.

It was the thing to do. Being tourists, backpackers, staying at hostels called Funky Monkey and evading bed bugs the best we could. 

There wasn't much sleep the night before. There can't be at a hostel called Funky Monkey where the roof top turned into a dance club after the sun went down. Not to mention, we were sleeping in a 16 person, dorm styled hostel room. 

Nothing could ruin my day. But the incessant snoring from the fellow drunk European man sleeping beneath was trying to. 

I shook his bunk bed passive aggressively to wake him up. Something I'd probably never do now, but I sure did have the guts then. 

The morning came quickly. We had the sweetest driver and he drove 4 of us to Angkor Wat the day before and promised an early morning pick up.  

What was his name again?

Why can't I remember his name?

The 4 of us, who are beyond excited and haven't slept more than three hours, pack ourselves in his tuk tuk to travel the twenty minutes through town to get to the ruins. 

The smells and peoples of the city beginning to wake up. 

Cambodia was like no where I had ever been. Rooted with deep, historical trauma and beginning to find healing. I connected with those parts of Cambodia - deep, historical trauma and finding healing. 

The air was cold, but with all of our bodies stuffed into the back, we found warmth. 

No one could ruin this for me. I had been waiting our whole trip to see the ruins at sunrise. That moment. That sunlight to be captured in my memory forever. 

As we arrive, that light slowly faded as I realized the hundreds of people have come to experience that same moment. To capture it forever. 

To witness the oranges, purples, reds and pinks dancing in the sky. Hovering over the silhouette of the ruins. 

I tried to remain present. Taking in this wonder of the world. But couldn't help but wonder what a collective feeling this very moment was. 

I may not have known anyone but my three travelling campanions, but we were all linked, connected to that very moment. Seeing the same lightness and darkness teasing us in the sky. 

It makes me wonder, today, if I'm still venturing and seeking those moments of stillness. Finding the light and dark. Like I did when I was abroad. 

That perhaps I can have those same moments here. To not take for granted the sky like I did tonight. Walking by my front window, not noticing the sunset because dinner needed to be made. The oranges and reds collapsing into the horizon - reminding us that with light also comes darkness. 

How can I find stillness and presence in those moments like I did at Angkor Wat? 

Intention? Giving myself permission to slow down? 

Enjoy the moments. Finding the light. Not rushing to the next best thing. Finding stillness. 

January 31/2022